New Blog

I now have a xanga site and has started for couple of days.
no longer writing here
so.. check it out... http://www.xanga.com/shirlz_babe

The Weather...and The Study

okay... let me start with... Here we are...in the month of April.. when flowers are SUPPOSED to be blooming... when the sun is SUPPOSED to be shining... when the winter jackets are SUPPOSED to be dumped... when the temperature is SUPPOSED to be more than 10 degrees... when the flip-flops and mini-skirts are SUPPOSED to be worn... u get the idea... ooo well... here I am... in Glasgow... the city of excitement and surprise.... it SNOWED... yesterday... really SNOWED...no kidding... has the weather gone bezerk?!?! isn't global warming SUPPOSED to warm the earth globally...??? or is it just the GLAGOW...the city with problem with the sun...hence the sun made a promise that it won't shine over glasgow???? *giggle* okay... shud stop now... guess the stress of the exam has affected my brain in any way possible... and the weather...spastic weather...spastic brain... guess the connection is there... or perhaps...just me... AVOIDANCE... is a big huge massive word... especially if it concerns ... study before exam.... yeah....avoidance of study....5 weeks before finals.... what can I say? I am pretty screwed...or REALLY SCREWED... oo well.. hack it... COMPARISON... after spending a week plus down south.... there is only one conclusion can be derived from the whole trip... Southern guys are generally BETTER-looking than northern guys... no offence to anyone...but.. it's a general opinion.. from myself and 4 other girls at the least... hmm... maybe it's the accent... maybe it's the way they dress... maybe it's the so-called "sophisticated" people are down south... maybe it's the ruggedness of northerns aids "turn-off"... maybe it's just the neighbour's grass is always greener... I have to agree with myself when stating the last sentence... why we never be satisfied with what we already have... why we never think good about things which are near and attainable... why we always look distantly for things... why we never appreciate things that we have gained... why we always look for more... this has left me pondering for a while... is it a good thing to always look and wish for more...???? OR...it's what actually can kill you in the end...??? be appreciative and losing the will for more....OR...have the will for more and the greed monopolizing our mind... we'll never know the answer for this...won't we? hence..here we are...getting confused as the days go by... a little bit lost...not so much for me....coz' knowing i have to set my priorities right.. and for now.... STUDY..STUDY..STUDY... PASS MY EXAM..... what to come after that... I don't really have a clue... ooo hack it....

The Impulsive Decision

Perhaps, there is no such thing as a harmless night out... Waking up this morning with a terrible headache and aching all over, the guilt just surrounds me and followed me wherever I go..*gulp*.. So, it was an impulsive decision..nevertheless, the fault still lies on the hand of the decision-maker....i.e.ME...ME..and still ME....so.. no one to be blamed...except ME... hence, here I am...trying hard to study...with no avail... ended up blooging..LOL...what an irony.. Hmmm...realizing how many impulsive decisions I have made these days, I feel even more and more despaired..."why am I so stupid..?" So...lets go back 5 days and 12 hours to the past...it was after Jean's surprise birthday dinner. Hanging out in Kenneth's until 12 sumthing.. talking about crap... that was one impulsive decision..when I was supposed to be back home, facing Keith Moore and Kumar and Clark... When I was finally able to make a firm decision to go back... IT SNOWED...... HEAVILY.... THE HEAVIEST OVER THIS YEAR IN GLASGOW... The call came "hey, u wanna go out and play in the snow?" "what? now?u crazyyyy,.........?!?!?!" "No...itz damn fun...there is no other time...seriously.." "hmm... let me think about it..where u guys going?text me...if i wanna go, i'll join u guyz...!" so..spending the next 15 minutes, looking at the window...assessing the thickness of the snow in the ground..thinking.."hack it...I can build a massive snowman with this amount of snow....!" Another call came "hey..come la... we're playing in kel Gate now..." Here it is... the IMPULSIVE DECISION... "OKAY!!!"goodness....I am crazy.."wait for me in the junction..." *sigh*...well.. stupidity never leads us to any good...I mean..never... It was fun though... 5 crazy peeps... just running around.. buried in the snow... soaked clothes and jacket.. "I cant feel my finger..i cant feel my leg..My face is painful...."walked for half an hour to reach the park...It was beautiful...if u've watched Narnia...itz something like it...but with Glasgow uni as the background... spending the next 2 hours just playing, not being myself...how fun that was!!!! when the 2 hours time was reached, all of us gave up...we need warmth....real warmth... so.. there we were..takeaway shop... eating chips drinking hot tea... *sigh...*the best place ever... well..truth to be told, If i could repeat the time, I would still go and do it anyway... aawwwww.... the worst still haven't come yet... when you spend the next 72 hours... lying on the bed and sick... u realized how stupid it was... especially when everyone else played in the snow in the morning...when it was 20 degrees warmer, with sunshine and no drop of snow...on your head... so yeah...I was sick..the whole week..not good...really not good... just thinking about the amount of time left for me before the exam.. --> I freaked out....really freaked out... BUT... still unable to make myself just sit there and look at my books more than 15 minutes... "what has happenned to me?!?!" Ooo well.. the first step.. I need to stop blooging, right? hmm, this might last for 1 day..so.. fingers crossed, toes crossed, body crossed... I can do what I aim to do... lastly, cheerzzzzz to all da peeps last nite..was good fun...

The Week-full of obstacles

*sigh* so...maybe u've been wondering ..What's up with me? to tell u the truth, nothing's up....although these few days I've been down..I am pretty sure things are gonna get better, aren't they? Let's begin with what happenned last week? 1. The shock of my life -- washing machine broke... water flowed continuously to our kitchen floor.."WE HAD A POOL!!"..hot water at first, switched off the boiler, freezing water afterward...ended up scooping water until 4 in the morning...not how I wanna end my day after such a tiring day... BUT...s*** happens... and it happens at the time when u don't expect it to come 2. Another shock of my life -- not even 24 hours after the first shock...-- haven't even recovered yet --another shock came..this was like..worse..so. the first was a WARNING shock --ever heard of that?!?! Seriously... s*** happens...and it really happens when u never actually think that itz gonna happen..but.. some things are better left unsaid... sigh.. So, I was left despaired and disappointed...feeling hurt in another word.."feeling crap...really crap". Losing hope, feeling unworthy, confused and lost...again.... really..not knowing what to do... is not the state of my life that I want to re-live. Sometimes, I feel like "I want to be able to make the perfect decision", "I want to be able to know what to do when I don't", " I want to be able to 'be able' anytime anywhere..." guess what, these things don't happen...harsh reality of life.. but just have to accept it. so 24 hours after the 2nd shock... I couldn't face anyone... maybe it was because of my eyes.. maybe it was because of the weather.. maybe it was because of my laziness... maybe it was because i was shocked... One way or another...I didn't face anyone. i confined myself in my four-sided bedroom (So is anyone else's bedroom..oo well..) so.. yeah.. thinking...and thinking... i realized something about 5 states of receiving bad news 1. shock 2. denial 3. anger 4. bargain 5. acceptance so i'm still in 3rd stage for now.not sure about whether i'll move on to another stage ever. so, here I am... 168 hours after the whole thing... still in an "aftershock" period. still confused and undecisive.. things can only get better now, can they??? *sigh*

The journey - not the end...

*sigh..* An hour journey...back and forth...added up to 2 hours...i am totally and utterly knackered, hammered, and dehydrated... wen u start to see sheeps running around and rainbow overlying the harbour..you know for sure that you are sooooo far away from civilisation.... In conclusion... Incerclyde royal hospital.. is by far the furthest and most isolated place on earth... well... having to sit in a car for one hour with a raging driver...3 roadworks in between and snow on the roof and pavements...that was one of the longest hours in my life... so... what did I do? Tried to sleep...... with no avail...*crap* after every position that I tried - sleeping position in the car, to make myself fall asleep - I end up with an aching all over my body at the end of the day.. and mind as clear as crystal... I didn't sleep at all...*aiks..* Fortunately, our consultant did not rage on us... no scolding that day... *phew*...what a relief... I mean..who would want to spend such a long journey when everyone else is still sleeping tightly on their beds..just to get scolded, crashed and burned by the consultant??? well.. NOBODY... but life is mean...so..what I'm trying to tell you is that actually happenned..our clinical teaching is such a torturing period of time.... *sob*....*sob*.... anyway...move on to some random topic... last night we had a small gathering... since we did not have anything better to do, we actually came up with "what actually those grades stand for ?(A,B,C,D,etc).... so.. u all know... if u get below D..itz an F --> Freakingly sad... D --> Danger..but still survive.. surprisingly.... C --> Can la.... B --> Better....haha A --> Awesome so... lame as it sounds.. nevertheless, we really came up with those stuff after a great chicken, mushroom, carrot dinner. All these can be achieved because of the contributions of these people: May, Chris, Sue, Caroline, and Me.... But... the journey to achieve what we have achieved...was not easy... here are some of the preview of what happenned: May : so... if B is better... what's a D? Chris : D...*cheeky laugh*..Dumb.. May : U're so mean...no...no...D...D...what can D stand for? Chris : hmmm.... Dumber.... May : *deep breath* Caroline : D is still pass right? All : yeah.... May : hmmm....Danger...still pass but dangerous..right?..*relieved* All : *nod together* *impressed* Sue : so, what's an A? Chris : A genius.... All : no such thing....A.....A.....A.... Chris : *another cheeky laugh*....Absolutely dumb.... May : what's wrong with u...man? *long pause*..... *longer pause*..... Chris : Awesome....... *SALUTE* *clap-clap* *hats-off*....for Chris..... so...that was it.....our journey..... lame journey...for great achievement...

The middle - Living life to the fullest

*sigh...* okay.. so the response to my first post was--> "are u okay?"+"life is not that bad"+"go and sleep!" to clarify all things...NO... I DON'T think I have depression, and...okay...maybe..there is a slight disappointment here and there... but what's life without them??? BUT... after doing a mini mental state examination: If u answer yes to more than 5 questions - more or less.. u r depressed.. 1. do u find urself losing interest in any kind of activities? YES 2. do u find urself losing concentration? YES 3. do u have trouble sleeping at night?or waking up in the morning? YES and YES 4. have you ever had any kind of thought of harming urself? or ending ur life? NOOOO.......(thank God for that)..... 5.well... the rest i don't remember.... in conclusion, having answered YES to 7 out of 9 questions there, leaving me in doubt about my life so far... "do I really have depression?" after few days of thinking, turning my brain inside out, the answer actually popped up last night NO WAY....I am so not depressed... The fact is...there's no reason whatsoever that can justify my so-called depression.. I have great family, great friends, great life..which though are not the best.. but they are mine..YAY!!! I may be feeling down..for a loooooong time... so what? people do feel down... i mean.. normal people do.. and I still think of myself as normal..if not 'special'..LOL.. seriously... for any of u, whoz feeling down out there...think about how ur friends and families still care about u.. it will lift ur spirit up.. so..don't ask me why the title of this post is that..it just suddenly strucked me..so.. yeah.. LIVE UR LIFE TO THE FULLEST..(not by blogging though..) by the way, on saturday,surprisingly Scotland actually beat England in the 6 nations rugby- 18-12...That was held in Edinburgh, 1 hour away from where I live.. It has nothing to do with me at all, but since I live in scotland, that actually gave me a little bit sense of pride..of living in this cold, windy and forever wintry country...for once... *Deep breath* *sigh..* actually helps u to feel better..at least ur breathing... so, I am not so lost...or maybe I am.. but who cares... everyone in this world always feel lost..

The Beginning

*Sigh...* You begin ur day by opening ur eyes... lying on the bed for another extra 15 minutes... just to feel the comfort of ur duvet... Looking at the clock opposite u... just to realize that u r already late for class Jumped out of bed.. tripped and fell flat on the ground (occasionally...) Rushed to the bathroom... to find that ur other housemate is using the one and only room u wanted to be in at that exact moment... Went back to ur bedroom... lying on ur bed AGAIN and wake up 3 hours later *Sigh...*

So... that's just a little bit of introduction of how my life begins most days in this cold and windy city...

Sometimes, I wonder, is this how it is supposed to be...? I mean...

As a medical student, we don't expect a whole lot of excitements...but, sometimes I think to myself, "am I in the wrong field?"..."do I want to spend the rest of my life..facing sick patients..talking to sick patients..treating sick patients..realizing that u cannot help those sick patients..any longer...?"

But last week, I found out more than half of medical students in UK.. think exactly da same thing that I think...

"well.. they don't spend bloody 20 thousand pounds each year..to attend med school..In fact, they don't have to spend any single quid at all..." So I think it's fair for them to actually think what they are thinking...

3 years in med school....What hav I learnt?next to nothing...Awww...that life is harsh..and that you spend half of your day.. trying NOT to give up what u believe in most...Although, I guess this happens to everyone...so..what can I do...?

I am just LOST...